I started the Training for Warriors (or TFW) at the gym during a free trial almost a month ago. I had four free sessions in which during each one I lost between 1-2 pounds. The intense combination of strength and cardio training shocked my body at first. The first several times I went, I thought I was going to throw up- some things I couldn’t finish. Almost every time I went, I was the last person struggling along in whatever we were doing. I started to wonder what I thought I was doing there. I don’t belong here. Look at these people- they are mostly fit, athletic people. It’s just like high school- I’m the one who can’t climb the rope or finish the run and everyone is standing around waiting for me. Watching me. Feeling sick, my heart pounding, I went home after the second or third time and cried. I posted on my facebook about not being sure whether I should even go back. Many people encouraged me to keep going, keep pushing my limits. I went back again.
I hear voices in my head. (Stop laughing. You know you
hear them too!) The evil voice tries to justify to myself why I
should give up. You can’t do this. You
don’t belong here. You’ve lost 95 pounds already- that’s good enough, right?
You’ve lost 45 pounds this year alone- you’ll lose the rest, eventually, right?
Maybe you should just give yourself a break. The food thing constantly hassles
you and not many people have to face that or even understand that. The other voice says (and this is all
going on inside my head, during the class itself, mind you.) Listen, motherf****r, you didn’t come all this way to give up now, did
you? Are you seriously going to give up right now? This close to your goal? Are
you really letting insecurities determine your success in life? Since when did
you quit anything? And listen, you aren’t really giving these people a chance-
show them what your made of. Talk to them. They obviously wouldn’t be here if
they weren’t passionate about the same things that matter to you, also. See you
have something in common. Give this and yourself a chance. Despite my above
mentioned nervous breakdown, I did go back. Each time I am a little stronger.
At the same time that I started the training for
warriors, I started “The Plan” over again as I mentioned on my last blog.
I lost 10 pounds in two weeks between the plan and the training for warriors. I
was feeling pretty good. I had a weekend where I ate out with some friends and
something I ate blew me up so bad I had inflammation for an entire week! Pretty much anytime I eat out, no matter what
it is, I gain weight. The only thing I can eat out is chicken wings, actually.
Believe it or not, last weekend I skipped the gym, slept in, ate an entire
dozen of chicken wings, 2 glasses of wine, fudge, and an apple tart all in one
day (among other things) and I lost 3 pounds. Why? Because I allowed myself to
sleep, first of all- sleep is everything. Without that recovery time, especially
with all of the intense weight lifting I’m doing, my body can’t recover. The second
reason I lost weight is because all of
the things I ate were all things I didn’t have a reaction to. Also, perhaps,
because I’m not eating enough calories during the week so when I indulged, it
helped. I am by no means encouraging anyone to go hog wild and eat wings and
fudge. I am however pointing out that how foods react to your body is key. I
did find out this time around that meatballs (even right out of a bag frozen
kind), roast beef, and steak, and even steak with rice (sometimes rice with
animal protein can be reactive) are all okay for me! Vegetables seem to be my
biggest issue, still.
As always, I struggle trying to put together the right
combination of exercise, food, and sleep to lose weight. I am always
either dropping ten or twenty pounds in a blink of an eye or not losing
anything at all. This has been my pattern all year. It is also possible that my
stress level is interfering since I am still unhappy in my new job and I am
struggling to not fall into a depression. In fact, the only thing keeping me
going is the TFW. It started out very hard physically and emotionally, and
while I still have my moments, I have made friends with all of the people
there. The people in the class are of the highest caliber quality people that
you could ever want to struggle or sweat in front of. I am proud to know such
people that will cheer me on and spot me when I am lifting or tell me “don’t
you dare let go yet!” Their unwavering support and positive attitudes are
stunning. I am a “glass half empty” type of person sometimes, and today I
actually arrived there in tears after another miserable day of work. Everyone
there patiently listens to my complaining and by the end I feel completely
lifted up. It is probably the best hour of my day most days. Thanks for that
guys, if any of you from galaxy are listening.
Nate, the trainer who runs TFW is better at watching
me now so I don’t cheat. I
guess I should preface the following admissions of cheating with saying that I’m
not cheating anymore, and hey, it was really hard the first several times and I
almost threw up so cut me some slack. I get freaked out when I start to feel
sick, and there’s nothing wrong with dialing it down a little especially since
my heartbeat was at 200 a few times. I call it cheating but seriously I need to do
the best I can do, each time. I was never good at figuring out how hard to push
myself or when to stop. Early on, trying
not to throw up, I would skip one of the “bear runs” or not do as many “mountain
climbers.” If I thought he wasn’t looking I wasn’t going the whole way down to
the floor on pushups (he rectified that by watching me closely and making sure
I went the whole way down). One time, I went to the bathroom and came back, and
they were doing my favorite damnable bear runs again. I think they had already
done one lap, actually. I snuck in. He said “How long were you gone??” I said
with a straight ass face, “I didn’t leave. You’re imagining things” (one of my
friends giggled). He says, “seriously, did you do one yet or not?” I answered
again, with a straight face “yeah I did, didn’t you see me?” He looked at me
for a long moment and considered until a few other people started giggling and
I cracked a small smile. “Get down there and do one right now!” he said. I was
so close. We had to run through a cloth ladder on the floor, doing hop scotch,
bunny hops and all kinds of ridiculous hard things. I could barely finish some
of the last laps, and with him saying “pick up your feet” I wanted to kill him.
At my weight, it takes a lot of effort to keep jumping or hopping for several
minutes over and over with fast people in front of you and behind you rushing
you along. Panting, I started to skip squares whenever I could, just to get
through it. I think that may have been one of the sessions I told him I hated
him (I hope he took it in the good humor in which I meant it). He actually is a
very talented trainer, and is excellent at what he does. Nate and Brad both
have been working hard to make sure that I am
pushing my limits.
We also recently had to do little “tests” - so when we do them in a few months we can see how far we’ve come.
Did I mention that I can’t do chin ups and feel like a complete moron while I’m
hanging there? Oh yes, because I can’t actually do a chin up, the first step is
just to be able to hang. I can only hang for ten fucking seconds and my hands literally
slip off. I have been working on my grip strength since then, but I still can’t
hang on more than ten seconds. My hands and fingers literally hurt right now
from the grip strength exercises I’m trying to do. Not being able to hang on
makes me nuts. Everyone else is doing chin ups or at least hanging on for a
fucking minute and my hands slip right off like it’s oiled or something. So, to
make matters worse, during these little ‘tests’ we had to do a chin up or hang
on as long as we could. Someone would stand there and time us. So one of the
guys stands there and counts for me. Great. (He’s actually very nice). But it’s
embarrassing. Trying as hard as I can to hang on, I slip off with a grunt, fall
forward, bump into the rowing machine, knock the handle off and send it flying
with a loud noise in true Sarah Style. Yes, at least you can say if I’m going
to embarrass myself it’s going to be done in style. We did push ups, sit ups, and
running tests. The running tests were more endurance tests which I am proud of
my results. I wasn’t the fastest one, but I had close times on both runs and
showed good endurance. Endurance is one thing I’m good at. I’ve come this far-
I’m not going to quit now. Thanks for reading as always! Be sure to check in
for more silly adventures!
