Facing your fears: A post on what scares me and the power of fear

Fear is a debilitating necessity of life. If we did not have things to fear, we would not have obstacles to overcome. Without obstacles to overcome, we would not improve ourselves, learn about ourselves, and then inspire others with our stories of success to face their own inner demons. Nothing that is worthwhile is easy; life in general is a journey full of trials in which I have learned a lot about myself. I have learned that I am worth a lot. More than I have thought I was. And that I can do this. There is a shirt I bought recently (it is a Nike shirt) that says “Make Your Self!” . It doesn’t fit yet- but it will.

 

“If we let things terrify us, life will not be worth living.” SENECA, Epistles Having made my peace with fear, I have started looking back at all of the silly, ridiculous things I spent my life worrying about. Things I was afraid to do because of my size.  I have spent a good deal of my life not living because I let things terrify me due to my weight. One thing that I always had anxiety about at 330 pounds was fitting into a restaurant booth. Most booths in restaurants aren’t made to fit a bigger sized person- often I would have anxiety about where we would be seated; should I ask for a table? Will the table in the booth move so that my stomach will not press up against the table? Will I be able to squeeze in there? Will people judge me if I order a dessert? Wow, you didn’t realize that just eating out created such anxiety, did you?

 

At my highest weight, I stopped riding roller coasters. When I was in my early 20’s and at Kennywood with my friends, I distinctly remember the day when the bars/holster that comes down to hold you into the seat of the ride would not lock. I sucked in as much as I could, and still I couldn’t fit. I had to be moved to a seat for “bigger sizes” while everyone waited impatiently for the ride to start. This is one of the most mortifying moments of my life. I have had several more, unfortunately. I have been asked many, many times when I was “due.” Telling people that you aren’t pregnant, and that you are just plain fat is probably one of the most demoralizing things that can happen to person. Having to explain this over and over beat me down emotionally. There was one particular time that I was out with my father in a grocery store. An older lady in front of the line was talking to my dad. She started asking when I was due, and whether it was a boy or a girl and going on and on. He tried to explain to her that I wasn’t pregnant. She didn’t listen so my dad warned me this nutbag was going to say something to me. She did, and I patiently explained to her that I wasn’t pregnant. She said “are you sure? You look like you are caring a boy since your weight is down further. You are caring the child low, like it is a boy.” I told her again, and added “nope, I’m just that fat. Thanks for reminding me.”

A year and a half ago a dear friend of mine was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. She wanted me to visit. I was still pretty heavy, at least at 300 or so pounds. She lives in Texas. I looked into the trip and expenses were definitely a factor- but the greater factor was my size. I didn’t think I would fit in an airplane seat. And I wasn’t going to be put in a situation again, like the ride at Kennywood where I couldn’t fit in the seat and be kicked off the plane. Full of worry about how I would travel at that size, I started looking into taking a train down to Austin. A railroad is smaller and costs even more. My options limited, as well as funds, I gave up. My friend now has a few weeks to live. Now, no longer being afraid of my size- having gone from a size 26 to a size 16 in the past two years and having lost 40 pounds this year alone- I am not afraid of traveling by plane or riding on a rollercoaster. But I am sad and feel guilty because I will never see my friend again. Not until the next life or whatever lies beyond. Life is short and life is cruel; live it to its fullest or succumb to your fears. Either way, time waits for no one.

I am not afraid of going to a restaurant or fitting in a booth anymore. I recently took dancing lessons with my husband as I am no longer afraid of dancing in front of people and putting myself out there. I was, for a long time, determined to not exercise or go to a gym. The part of me that was afraid to work out or look silly is long gone as I celebrate my one year anniversary at galaxy fitness. My friend, who I was speaking about above, is an amazing person. She was never afraid to be herself, and spoke her mind. She didn’t apologize for who she is. She is loud and her laughter is contagious. She was one of the first friends I had that accepted me for who I was and taught me that I was worth something. She lived up her in PA for a little while and then went back to Texas. She left me with several important lessons: I am worth something. And more importantly- not to be afraid. Being confident in yourself and speaking your mind takes courage. Admitting your faults and then doing something about it takes even more. I imagine in her weakened state (as she is now in hospice) that if she could see me, she would be proud of the person that I have become.

There are still a few things that scare me. I am afraid that my thyroid will go nuts again and I will gain 50 pounds for no reason. This did actually happen to me a few years ago and a great deal of the weight I have to lose is because of my hashimoto’s thyroid that I have struggled with my whole life. I am afraid that I won’t lose the other 40 pounds that I want to lose this year and that will discourage me from trying harder. I am afraid that my body will continue to fight me every step of the way as I desperately try to discover more foods that will work for me. Like I said in the beginning, fear can be debilitating. Choices are to do something about your fears or miss out on your life. I missed out on precious time with my friend. My message to all of you readers: go live your life.  It is precious and too short to waste on insecurities, anxiety, and fear. Go. Right now. Do what makes you happy, see your friends and family, and live! I’ve overcome all of these things and so can you! Until next time! - Sarah