Frustrated

So the past couple weeks I haven't posted. February was very difficult for me. For some reason, I gained several pounds back in the middle of the month. I managed to lose them again, and did manage to lose a total of 7.5 pounds for February (which was good) but it was a real struggle. Nothing in my diet had changed. I am as dedicated as ever to eating and living a healthy lifestyle. Some may say well "you probably put on some muscle, yeah that's all" or "you put on some water weight, that's it." If that is true, than why is happening again in March? I lost 3 pounds the first week of March. I was off to a great start. The next week I gained them back and haven't been able to loose them since. I have tried water pills (in case it was the water weight) and if I truly was putting on more lean muscle mass (which is the goal) I would be promptly losing weight after because lean muscle burns more fat. So WTF???

 

 

Yesterday, I almost gave up. I figured hell; I made it from a size 26 to a size 16- that was further than I ever thought I would go. And I was just so tired. Work has been extra stressful this past week which is not good since I am pretty sure it is jacking up my cortisol. I suffered a major disappointment when Half Price Books decided not to put in a new store in our area, severely limited my ability to move up. I have been working out 5 days a week, doing cardio for at least an hour each day, with weight lifting 3-4 of those days including seeing a personal trainer each week. I went to my sh'bam and yoga class yesterday even though I was tempted to just to take a nap, eat some chocolates, drink some wine, and call it a day. I love my sh'bam and yoga instructors and I know that I will be missed if I don't go which motivates me not to miss those classes. (Thanks guys for the motivation!). I felt better after the classes, as I usually do. But still today, I am frustrated. I am not sure what more I can do or accomplish if I am having internal issues such as my cortisol that I don't have direct control over. Furthermore, I wish everything wasn't such a fight for me. Why is everything so hard? I am doing everything I am supposed to be doing, so why isn't that enough?

 

 

I learned along time ago that my body does not act like it is supposed to. Years of issues with my thyroid and insulin resistance have taught me that I am not normal. What works for other people does not apply to me. My body seems to have its own set of rules. There is a documentary on Netflix called Fat Sick and Nearly Dead that focuses on juicing and fasting. The star of the film, an Australian man, decides to just drink fresh juice (he makes himself) morning, noon, and night, from vegetables and fruits for 60 days to lose weight and feel better. He loses a 100pds on his journey. It is an interesting film and was recommended to me from some coworkers who sparked my interest in juicing. The thing is, my body doesn't respond well to threats. If I thought for one second that I could just drink juice and "fast" and I would lose all of this weight and my problems would just "poof" away magically I would do it. I am an insanely determined, focused, person. I would do anything to lose the last 65 or so pounds I need to lose and feel better. My body didn't respond well to me not eating enough calories (see my last post) and I have learned also that my body requires some amounts of healthy fats in order to burn more calories. In fact, every time I eat more calories than I usually do, I lose more weight. I have been drinking juice during the day at work to keep my metabolism going and help me in between long periods of time where I can't eat to boost my calorie count in a healthy way. The thing that upsets me about the film is that the man who is juicing would eat a lot. He admits that he would eat two whole pizzas by himself. The overeating affected his health severely.  I admire his strength to change his habits, but he hasn't had to struggle for 10 plus years going doctor to doctor trying to resolve a severe thyroid disorder. He hasn't had medical issues such as insulin resistance that no doctor could help with. I had to figure out everything myself. I have cured myself of an incredible amount of aliments and have lost over 50 pounds through pure hard work, tears, determination, (and more tears). My problems were never as simple as putting down the fork. IF ONLY ALL MY PROBLEMS WERE CAUSED BECAUSE I ATE TOO FREAKING MUCH!!!! How simple that would be!!??!! I could just cut calories, work out, and lose weight like a normal freaking person without struggling each and every day to lose just a pound or two a week.

 

I'm on my third trainer now. I have a new trainer I haven't mentioned yet. He is young, and I was worried that because he is fresh out of college that he wouldn't be able to help me or understand all the struggles I have been through just to get where I am now. He is very enthusiastic though, and seems serious about his job. I am trying to do everything he suggests and really give him a chance. I have seen him for about a month now, so he plans to do "measurements" and weigh in to see how far I have come in the past month next week. (I'll let yinz know how that goes). I am sort of terrified. I don't think that I've accomplished much, and again it's not because of my diet. He mentioned to me last week that I need to make sure I am not "binge eating." Again, if anything I struggle to eat 2000 calories a day and most days between work, going to the gym, and helping my son with homework, I eat 1500 calories. I was never a big eater. People that have known me for years can attest to this. Today, I had a protein shake with almond milk for breakfast, a vegetable mix with mushrooms, peas, green beans and carrots with some kiwi, oranges, and almonds for lunch, and for dinner I am planning on some chicken with a sweet potato. To drink, I only drink water or juice (other than my protein shake) and today has been just water all day. I will probably eat an orange, other fruit or some almonds throughout the day but that's about it. That is my typical day. I'm not eating a pizza for lunch and ice cream bars for dinner. I don't eat anything breaded or fried, I hardly eat anything sweet other than some dark chocolate every once in awhile, and I have severely restricted any alcoholic beverages to just a glass a wine every once in awhile. Today he mentioned he wants me to fill out a food log next week. That's fine- I'll try anything or do anything- but he also mentioned that he knows it’s hard to "stay away from the refrigerator" and "not snack." I told him again that if anything, eating is just a hassle for me. I can't seem to eat enough calories, and no matter what I do I'm gaining weight back and forth anyway. What the hell is the point?

 

 

I'm back to the cortisol thing. My cortisol has been high for years and years. I am going to have some blood work done in the next week to make sure that it's not my thyroid- my thyroid made me gain all the weight in the first place. Oh yeah, it can do that to you. If your thyroid is not working correctly, you will gain lots of weight for no reason. Cortisol can do this too though. The cortisol can cause low testosterone in women. Without enough testosterone (and Dr. Oz did a whole show on this, if you don't believe me), it will be impossible to lose weight, especially around the mid section (where I have lost NO inches) and the high cortisol suppresses the testosterone (the more stress I have, like at work for example, the more cortisol, less testosterone) and then it makes me unable to put on any lean muscle mass and cortisol also prevents people from losing weight. "In fact, fat cells in the belly have four times more cortisol receptors compared to fat cells elsewhere, so you just keep reinforcing the muffin top as your cortisol climbs and stays high. It’s not pretty." http://www.saragottfriedmd.com/2012/05/04/cortisol-switcharoo/ This is from a Harvard doctor- its well documented, in any case. Google it if you are curious. So, is it my cortisol? Doctors for years have been unable to do anything about my cortisol levels. Also, the exact testosterone level for women varies from person to person and doctors do not actually know what the correct levels are that women are supposed to have. In fact, testosterone therapy for women is a relatively new idea and there is no FDA approved testosterone therapy for women.

 

 

I have made appointments to see two different endocrinologists in hopes of finding out once and for all what is causing my high cortisol levels- it may not be my testosterone levels after all. I am not sure what it is. I do feel like it is holding me back and that it is ultimately up to me to figure it out. No one said that it would be easy losing weight. I solved many of my issues and have this last piece of the puzzle to decipher. I'm close to the goal; I just need to hang on. I have some natural supplements for lowering cortisol and boosting testosterone I am going to try. I'll let you know how it goes! Until then, be healthy, happy, and LIVE!