This post is going to be about my struggles with exercise and fitness. I can only imagine that many of you have similar struggles. It has always been more mentally difficult for me than physically difficult- once a person has convinced themselves that they can not do something, they will continue to make excuses and come up with reasons why they can not do that certain thing. I do feel good after going to the gym- if I didn’t I would not go back. But I hear a lot of people while they are there saying how they hate the gym but need to lose the weight. If you hate something, you’re not going to give it your 100%. And honestly, it shouldn’t be easy- if you are doing a class or working out and you don’t feel like you have taken it to your limit at some point during the workout, you probably aren’t doing it right. I’m not saying to overdo it here, I am saying that working out will result in being sweaty, out of breath, with various muscles hurting. I will mention some of the various tricks and secrets and workouts that I am currently employing and things I have learned in the next post (Part 2), but first I’ll discuss my own personal struggles from an early age; I’ll talk about finding an exercise that is enjoyable, and difficulties of going it alone.
If you have read my very first post, you will have gleamed
from it that I had some hatred for exercise drilled into me at an early age.
Instead of finding something healthy to do that I loved, or something healthy
that was done as a family, I was “forced” to do workouts or “forced” to be walking
a certain number of miles each day to keep “fit.” I hope to find some pictures
of me as a child, and then as a teenager so that you can see how completely
average I was. I was not overweight. I was not struggling with food consumption
or playing video games all day. I went outside, I played softball, I rode my
bike, and as I grew older, I even joined the marching band. No part of me was
out of shape or not fit. This particular part of my childhood that dealt with exercise
damaged how I was eating, (see my first post) my outlook on exercise, as well
as my outlook on myself. For a long, long time, I would see myself as worthless
and overweight. (Hilarious, that, I wouldn’t actually be overweight until I was
in my 20’s when my thyroid went out of control). Every time I go to the gym and actually
manage to do 10 sprints it is a real accomplishment. Stepping through those
doors at all amazes me. I am amazed that I had the courage and strength to do
it. Some part of me somewhere says “It’s too hard” and “You don’t have to do
it. No one can make you do anything now. F##k them! You are fine exactly how
you are and no one will ever make you do something you don’t want to do again.”
So you see, I have to want to do it. For myself. More than anything in the world. It takes a lot of
energy to keep up that level of willpower, and on many days I struggle or
wonder if I am getting anywhere.
I met my husband when I was 19. I would not move in with him
until a year later. He may have saved my life. The strict routine with my
father continued even at 19 years old. I was under his house, I would obey his rules.
At 20, I either wanted to move out or die. I hit my lowest of lows. My father
continued to make his demands, and as Jason and I grew closer, I decided to try
to find an apartment with him. Meeting Jason and gaining my son Jacob was the
best thing that ever happened to me. Some would say that it was a miracle, and
we were sent to help each other. The apartment we had was a dive, but I was
proud of it. I didn’t have health insurance, and at about this time my thyroid
really started to slip. I will just say this on the topic of my father: The
weight gain wasn’t his fault. My thyroid and gluten issues wasn’t his (or my
own fault) and I have long since forgiven him for what he thinks was “watching
out for me.” I still don’t understand his fixation with pushing exercise onto
other people in an unhealthy way. Invite someone to play tennis or take a walk
around the neighborhood. Play basketball. Join a club that has a swimming pool
or racquetball. There are endless options so why we couldn’t go bicycling
together instead of walking around the neighborhood by myself I will never
understand. I will just say that it has never been easy.
If you’ve read my previous posts, you will know that I
already thought I would never lose weight because of my thyroid. My struggles
with my thyroid resulted in me gaining lots of weight over the years that I
never thought I would lose. At 330 pounds a few years ago, I asked my husband
if he would still love me if I was 400 pounds. I was terrified. I honestly did
not know if I would ever stabilize my thyroid or lose weight and I thought I
might just die early. I believed that exercise just didn’t work, and it
certainly wasn’t for me. I was never going to “listen to the man,” or do what
other people wanted me to, or lose weight to make society happy. I have made an
incredible transformation from being that person. Now having lost 50 pounds and
several sizes, I am on my way to meeting all of my goals. I workout 5 days a
week and have learned a lot along the way. If you have read my previous posts you will
see I learned a lot from Brenton and Megan in particular. One of the things I
have learned is that exercise has to be something you enjoy, and something that
makes you feel good. Refreshed, invigorated, released, energetic, and having a
“natural high” from the release of endorphins after exercising will make you
want to continue to do more. My advice is to start slow, with something that
you enjoy. There are many different kinds of group fitness classes (that can
also be done from home via videos) such as yoga, tai-chi, Pilates, bodyflow (a
combination of those three), sh’bam (dancing of different styles), zumba,
bodypump (weight lifting class). There is something for everyone. It is crucial
to try new and different things and really give each new thing a chance. I had
many people tell me that they had tried bodyflow and it was too hard. I had
people discourage me from doing it. I continued to do it, even though I
couldn’t do all of the moves at first, and have gradually been building up my
strength. Sh’bam was also something that I heard was difficult. Don’t listen to
what other people tell you about any exercise. Go experience it for yourself.
Also, it doesn’t have to be mastered in the first try. As long as you are
having a good workout and are enjoying it, that’s all the matters.
Aside from the group classes, and even though I have made many friends at Galaxy fitness, I still spend a few days doing my weights/cardio alone. I know that strength training is important, and I am also trying to do cardio five days a week in order to lose the 8 pounds a month I am shooting for. All of that is easier to type on my keyboard than it is to actually do it. Especially on days I am going to the gym alone. I have to motivate myself, and watch out to not feel discouraged if I haven't lost as much weight as I wanted yet, feel guilty over something I ate and beat myself up, and also not overwhelm or pressure myself and overdo it. I already have a tendency to overwhelm myself with all of the things I want to accomplish and feel like I must accomplish. And if I've had a stressful day at work, it takes a lot of motivation to still make it to the gym and not just go home and go to bed. It takes a lot of willpower to keep up this level of dedication (to anything) and I will admit to you that it falters. I have days when I doubt myself or doubt that I can do it. All I can say is that if you can join the gym with someone, or have a neighbor to walk around with, or someone you like playing basketball with or whatever, that is the best way to avoid the trap of feeling alone. Having support is really important, and so is having someone to give you positive feedback and hold you up on your bad days. If you are going it alone, try not to be too hard on yourself. Make sure that you are doing something that you enjoy (at least some of the time), and also hold onto that great feeling that you have once you have worked out. Nothing is better than the release and rush of energy I feel after working out! Hold onto that, it will keep you going. Until next week! Be happy, have energy and LIVE!
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